just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
