I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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