my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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