This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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