She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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