why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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