we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
