Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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