she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
