I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
