im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
