white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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