Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
