Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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