Jerry, you need to find god
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i think im in europe. pls send help
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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