first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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