remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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