I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
honey bunches of taint.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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