decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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