Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
