I smell stomach acid.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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