Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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