dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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