Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
tell me about the eggs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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