No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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