Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
