his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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