I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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