i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We are all done wearing pants today
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
