Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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