FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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