Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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