Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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