He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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