Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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