saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
