it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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