shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
