A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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