i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
