sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
