i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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