i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
