I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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