Cold hands, warm shart.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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