Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
