SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
