i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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