so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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