first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
