So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
